Sports Guy Intern Contest Entry

This one kills me:

FINALIST NO. 12
Name: Matt Luckham
College: Northwestern University, 2004
Residence: Poway, CA
Current Job: Data Entry Clerk with aspirations of becoming a valet ... but laid off as of Monday, 1/31/05
Age: 22

Like many, Matt Luckham grew up with dreams of playing professional sports. Realizing in 1990 that he was slow, uncoordinated, and white, he then set his sights on becoming the Sports Guy Intern. Despite his mediocre athletic ability, Luckham lettered in cross country, basketball, and baseball in high school. On the basketball court, he led the league in Raise the Roof Maneuvers per game (8.6) in 1999, and was selected to the First Team All Chest Bump in 2000. On the baseball diamond, he was very close to winning the team's Most Improved Player award in 1997 and in cross country, Matt was awarded the "Largest Man with Smallest Shorts" distinction. Other accolades included "Guy You'd Most Like to Bring Home to Mom and Stepdad."

When he joined Northwestern University Club Baseball in 2000, coaches quickly recognized his talents and named him the team's Hydration Engineer and Batting Helmet Coordinator, positions he held all four years. Other activities included leading his intramural softball and flag football teams to several near victories, playing a central role in getting his fraternity kicked off campus while studying abroad in Spain, and studying many a broad in local bars.

Luckham adamantly defends his statement that Danny Almonte was the most dominating left handed pitcher in the history of the game. Matt is a Reality TV addict and Real World reject. He wishes he had more friends like Worm from Rounders and answers to the nicknames "Lucky," "Luckdogg," and "Meathead." Luckham can currently be seen hacking up golf courses all across Southern California, enjoying a styrofoam cup of horchata at Mexican food restaurants, and charitably donating his measly income to complete strangers via online poker. In the future, he plans to get married and have kids mainly to be that maniacal Pop Warner coach who plays his son at quarterback even though he has the accuracy of a Dan Rather special report. He is 22, single but hopeful, and does not care in the slightest about the NHL lockout.

6 Reasons Why I Should Be Your Intern:

1. I always finish what I sta
2. To my knowledge, I have never used "the cream" or "the clear."
3. I want to fetch Jim Rome's coffee in a few years.4. I can read and write good.
5. I've been told I have a face for cyberspace.
6. This is exactly 400 words. Seriously. Count it.